...blowing it out of all proportion ...

[spreadeagle]

G’day mate,

It’s great that a year into the relationship you still have a very active sex-life. I’m guessing that you’re both in your twenties - wow!

Masturbation is normal; there is no need to differentiate between masturbation and the ‘real thing’: masturbation is the real thing, too. People have different sex drives and often habituate themselves to routine masturbation so that they’re jacking without giving it a second thought. But it’s understandable that you’re anxious when your boyfriend jacks-off an hour after making love; sex shouldn’t be like a Chinese take-out.

There’s a basic issue here, a principle that's fundamental to what we like to call ‘civilization’: the principle of delayed gratification. Your boyfriend isn’t very practiced at it when it comes to sexual appetites. He prefers instantaneous satisfaction; if it itches he scratches it. Is he like this in other areas of his life?

Let’s assume your boyfriend has a sex-drive that’s considerably stronger than yours. By restricting his erotic activity to masturbation and sexual intercourse with you he’s actually honouring your joint commitment to a monogamous relationship. Consider the alternative, would you feel happier if he was getting-off with other guys outside the relationship?

There’s something you can do about this making you feel worthless: learn to take responsibility for your own feelings. Your boyfriend’s actions in themselves can’t make you feel worthless, they are neutral, neither positive nor negative. It is YOUR reaction to his masturbation, YOUR interpretation of it, what YOU think it means, that give rise to your feelings of worthlessness. The solution to this is to change your thoughts. This is usually easier said than done, but the effort to do so is always rewarding. Focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship, especially your boy friends faithfulness, should help. It does appear that he deserves a bit more trust.

Cheers
Spread

[confused..]

My bf and I also have an active sex life with one another only. We have sex, on average, 3-4 times a week. However, he still jacks off by himself and with porn all the time. He knows I wait for him so I am horny (I find it more pleasurable this way) and he does not seem to care. I mean, like you, we could have just had sex and afterwards he will tell me he just got done jacking off in the shower. I get confused and wonder, why would you not ask me to take a shower with you if you were still horny. He never gives a reply. As long as he was not negleacting me, I have adjusted to him jacking off all the time. There have been some days though where he tells me he is not in the mood when I am horny (mostly in the morning and evening) and then an hour later, when he takes a shower, he jacks off on the floor. I dont get it either. Is he disrespecting me or just feels the need to play with himself?

[spreadeagle]

Hey boys,

I’ve been thinking more deeply about this predicament. To navigate around it requires some advanced relationship or communication skills - often those are one and the same.

CO-HABITATION 101
When you move in together all your ‘family’ buttons get pushed at once. Most young guys have no experience of sustained relationships apart from what they’ve learned though observing and interacting with their own families. Much of this learning is absorbed unconsciously and because ‘that’s the way it’s always been’ these beliefs are embraced tenaciously. People’s expectations of ‘living together’ are based on their own experience and because experience differs widely there’s plenty of potential for conflict.

When you start to live with a guy you’ll notice he has some strange ways of doing things. Some of his habits will seem exotic, then weird, and then they’ll annoy the hell out of you: farting in bed, smoking, toe-nail clipping, noisy eating, toothpaste tube manipulation, lack of consideration, compulsive shower-jacking, non-communication, and so on. It’s scary that so much of his behaviour seems to conflict with your own standards of personal hygiene and good manners. It’s even scarier when you notice yourself sounding like whoever was the Manners Police in your childhood home. Suddenly you’ve turned into Mom. You spent your whole adolescence trying to avoid your father and you end up marrying him; ain’t it a pain!

DOES 'LIVING TOGETHER' MEAN 'NO PRIVACY?'
One of the challenges facing any guy in a live-in relationship is the feeling of restriction or lack of freedom that seems to be part of the commitment package. For some people the thought of solitude is terrifying, for others it’s bliss. Different cultures develop different concepts of personal space; these arise out of what is familiar, acceptable or necessary within that society. For example, Chinese students will think nothing of sleeping six to a room with a single drawer for personal possessions, whereas American students would be aghast at the thought.

Reaching agreement about personal space within a relationship can be a constructive way of nurturing it. It’s a matter of delineating clear boundaries and then respecting them. If you think of all the activities that occur within the walls of your shared living space you’ll see that they don’t all concern you, or you and your partner, and that there are different levels of intimacy involved. We expect a high degree of privacy when we lock ourselves in the john, and considerably less privacy and intimacy when we’re hosting a dinner party. It’s disorienting when actions that you expect to be limited to one area spill over into another.

So much of the skill of negotiating relationships lies in a sensitivity to the use of space, and an awareness that shared and private space often fluctuate within the same locality depending on their use at the time. When we share living-space we need to have a regard towards the impact our actions might have on those we share with, how we might look to them, how they might interpret our behaviour.

When your boyfriend jacks in the shower alone he’s signaling that this is his private space and he’s having time-out on his own. But if he fails to clean up his jizz or he wants to talk about it afterwards then he’s sending mixed messages. He’s over-stepping the boundary. It could be simply bad manners or an indication that he needs to say something to you but can’t find the words so he resorts to body-language instead.

SHOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING?
When his habits annoy you, you can be fairly certain yours are annoying him too, and it’s time for a talk. If you’re the sort who suffers in silence and then explodes, you should talk sooner rather than later. But if he tends to take offence, feel threatened and storm out, then think before you speak. However, it’s worth the effort to address the issue because in any live-in relationship if you have good communication and can achieve domestic compatibility then you’re 90% of the way there.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
Get clear on your reasons for raising the issue; there should be no hidden agendas. Your object is not to belittle him or to make him feel wrong, but rather a genuine desire to promote the health of your relationship by communicating honestly and directly. Think about what you’re going to say and the different ways in which he might react. Consider how important it is to you that he modify his behaviour and think about the roles of tolerance and acceptance in a relationship. In the process of doing this internal work you sometimes find that the problem resolves itself and you no longer need to raise it with your partner. Really, you need to decide whether you choose to love him unconditionally or whether your love is dependent on him not picking his nose while driving, or whatever the issue might be.

Most people are resistant to change. What is familiar feels safe and secure. It’s much more effective to change yourself. Honest analysis of why you feel the way you do about his actions will go a long way towards defusing them. Though you begin by loving him despite his ‘faults’ you may end up loving him because of them. This is the stage of compromise when your continuing acceptance of him ‘just the way he is’ opens the way to deeper degrees of intimacy

CHOOSING THE TIME
If you decide, after all, that you still need to talk, think about where, when and how you’re going to bring it up.
- by yanking the shower door open and yelling at him while he’s jacking?
- by email?
- Immediately before or after or even during lovemaking?
- by letting him overhear you discussing it with your girlfriend on the phone?
- in the middle of an argument on some other issue?
- whenever it’s ‘up’ for you?
- when he’s late for work?
- on a Sunday afternoon, mellowing out together?
- in public?
- in a time you’ve agreed to set aside for clearing relationship issues?
- at your anniversary dinner party?

Get the picture?

SPILLING THE BEANS
Here’s a formula I learned from Sondra Ray’s ‘Loving Relationships Training’: When you do ‘A’ I think it means ‘B’ and then I feel ‘C’. For example, when you masturbate shortly after we’ve made love I think it means that I haven’t satisfied you and then I feel inadequate. This formula works because it doesn’t judge or blame the other guy for his actions. The speaker takes responsibility for his own feelings and for the thoughts that have given rise to the feelings. It leaves the way open for the other guy to respond but without pressuring him to do so.

AFTERMATH
Once you’ve got it off your chest be ready to really listen to him. He may have an angle on it that you never once considered, or there may be points about your own behaviour that he wants to raise. Don’t interrupt or contradict him while he’s talking. Always speak from your own truth. In other words, make ‘I’-statements. Don’t project your point-of-view onto him but respect his right to his own opinion.
Don’t expect an immediate resolution. It's not love-by-numbers and there’s no right or wrong. What you’re doing is initiating a process that will facilitate greater trust and understanding in a non-judgmental way.
Show him that you care. Having a small gift to give him is a cool way to do that.

I hope that this helps, cos you guys are trail-blazers
Love
Spread.