spreadeagle
July 19th, 2005, 04:22 AM
Hey buddy,
Two things seem apparent from your letter: you’re relatively young and you haven’t been in a gay relationship yet. A few flings and getting sexually intimate with a couple of close friends doesn’t signify a full-on committed gay relationship to me. Your decision that you are gay – and isn’t it something we ‘know’ rather than ‘decide’? - coincided with the onslaught of adolescence. When that heady hormone cocktail is bubbling through our veins we are LESS likely to make rational decisions about our place in the world than at any other time in our lives.
An important part of your sex-life so far has involved feeling horny looking at men’s bodies and jacking-off over gay porn. Well, it’s natural for guys to get turned on by visual stimulation. That’s cool. But it sounds as if this is the first time you’ve actually been in a relationship. After the first exciting months in a straight relationship there often comes a time when the woman expects it to move to a deeper level of commitment and that scares the shit out of the guy because it means an immediate loss of freedom and independence. It’s not surprising that the allure of your earlier habitual care-free horny days is looking attractive just now.
Have you told the woman about your gay past? If the relationship with her is to go anywhere meaningful then total honesty is required. You say you don’t want to hurt her but, believe me, you’ll hurt her far more if you try and ignore your feelings; what you turn your back on gets you in the end. Maybe you CAN have her and date men too, but you have to be absolutely clear with her about what you want from the relationship and be prepared for the possibility that her expectations could be different.
It’s possible to be sexually attracted to both men and women. But the essence of commitment lies in making choices that strengthen the relationship and promote the health and well-being of each individual within the relationship. Since you talk about relationships in terms of ‘dating’, my guess is that you’re not yet ready to go further. Nor is it compulsory ever to go further, but just remember that you create your future through the choices you make in the present.
Don’t worry; this is life. The important things are that you respect others and learn from your experience. The greatest respect you can pay her is in being honest about your emotions.
Love
Spread
Two things seem apparent from your letter: you’re relatively young and you haven’t been in a gay relationship yet. A few flings and getting sexually intimate with a couple of close friends doesn’t signify a full-on committed gay relationship to me. Your decision that you are gay – and isn’t it something we ‘know’ rather than ‘decide’? - coincided with the onslaught of adolescence. When that heady hormone cocktail is bubbling through our veins we are LESS likely to make rational decisions about our place in the world than at any other time in our lives.
An important part of your sex-life so far has involved feeling horny looking at men’s bodies and jacking-off over gay porn. Well, it’s natural for guys to get turned on by visual stimulation. That’s cool. But it sounds as if this is the first time you’ve actually been in a relationship. After the first exciting months in a straight relationship there often comes a time when the woman expects it to move to a deeper level of commitment and that scares the shit out of the guy because it means an immediate loss of freedom and independence. It’s not surprising that the allure of your earlier habitual care-free horny days is looking attractive just now.
Have you told the woman about your gay past? If the relationship with her is to go anywhere meaningful then total honesty is required. You say you don’t want to hurt her but, believe me, you’ll hurt her far more if you try and ignore your feelings; what you turn your back on gets you in the end. Maybe you CAN have her and date men too, but you have to be absolutely clear with her about what you want from the relationship and be prepared for the possibility that her expectations could be different.
It’s possible to be sexually attracted to both men and women. But the essence of commitment lies in making choices that strengthen the relationship and promote the health and well-being of each individual within the relationship. Since you talk about relationships in terms of ‘dating’, my guess is that you’re not yet ready to go further. Nor is it compulsory ever to go further, but just remember that you create your future through the choices you make in the present.
Don’t worry; this is life. The important things are that you respect others and learn from your experience. The greatest respect you can pay her is in being honest about your emotions.
Love
Spread