spreadeagle
April 18th, 2005, 05:55 AM
G'day mate,
Wow, you have a boyfriend! There are so many gaymen out there who would envy you on those grounds alone. However, you need to decide where PDA ranks in the scale of benefits you hope to enjoy from the relationship.
Most men have been exposed from early school days to the brutalising and intimidating effects of homophobia - often without realising they're being indoctrinated. Consequently the prospect of behaving in a way that might identify them publicly as gay gives rise to very real feelings of apprehension. It's a wise precaution not to unnecessarily invoke the wrath of homophobic strangers. So it may be that your boyfriend is uneasy because of unpleasant past experiences or because he fears possible repercussions.
People's comfort levels regarding public displays of affection are often based on how demonstrative or affectionate their parents were with each other. If an open expression of feelings has not been part of his experience then it will always feel artificial to some degree. Many of us, regardless of sexual orientation, have firm ideas about what level of affection is appropriate in public: hand-holding might be okay where kissing is frowned upon, and neither might be appropriate in a church or work environment. So have some regard to context. You will have noticed that these ideas vary from culture to culture.
Having said that, there are some steps you might take to help your boyfriend adjust to the idea of increasing PDA. Begin by increasing the level of non-sexual touching when you're in private together. Hold hands while watching TV, tickle him, slip your arm round his waist or shoulder from time to time.
Next, begin to introduce touching that is NOT hand-holding into your public time. A hug when meeting or parting isn't threatening. Let your knees touch under the table.
A study by Desmond Morris analysed taboo body parts to discover where we can safely be touched by same-gender and opposite-gender family, friends or strangers. The only body-part that can safely be touched in all scenarios is the back of the arm between shoulder and elbow. The shoulder and small of the back are also quite safe for male-male contact. Try touching your boyfriend there to guide him when you’re walking together and then 'forget' to take your hand away. The casual intimacy of this sort of touching can actually be quite a turn on.
Take it gradually. If hand-holding is initiated in order to signal your sexual orientation then it's arising as a calculated political gesture rather than a spontaneous gesture of affection. Increasing your public intimacy to the level where he feels uncomfortable will merely be counterproductive.
Cheers
Spread
Wow, you have a boyfriend! There are so many gaymen out there who would envy you on those grounds alone. However, you need to decide where PDA ranks in the scale of benefits you hope to enjoy from the relationship.
Most men have been exposed from early school days to the brutalising and intimidating effects of homophobia - often without realising they're being indoctrinated. Consequently the prospect of behaving in a way that might identify them publicly as gay gives rise to very real feelings of apprehension. It's a wise precaution not to unnecessarily invoke the wrath of homophobic strangers. So it may be that your boyfriend is uneasy because of unpleasant past experiences or because he fears possible repercussions.
People's comfort levels regarding public displays of affection are often based on how demonstrative or affectionate their parents were with each other. If an open expression of feelings has not been part of his experience then it will always feel artificial to some degree. Many of us, regardless of sexual orientation, have firm ideas about what level of affection is appropriate in public: hand-holding might be okay where kissing is frowned upon, and neither might be appropriate in a church or work environment. So have some regard to context. You will have noticed that these ideas vary from culture to culture.
Having said that, there are some steps you might take to help your boyfriend adjust to the idea of increasing PDA. Begin by increasing the level of non-sexual touching when you're in private together. Hold hands while watching TV, tickle him, slip your arm round his waist or shoulder from time to time.
Next, begin to introduce touching that is NOT hand-holding into your public time. A hug when meeting or parting isn't threatening. Let your knees touch under the table.
A study by Desmond Morris analysed taboo body parts to discover where we can safely be touched by same-gender and opposite-gender family, friends or strangers. The only body-part that can safely be touched in all scenarios is the back of the arm between shoulder and elbow. The shoulder and small of the back are also quite safe for male-male contact. Try touching your boyfriend there to guide him when you’re walking together and then 'forget' to take your hand away. The casual intimacy of this sort of touching can actually be quite a turn on.
Take it gradually. If hand-holding is initiated in order to signal your sexual orientation then it's arising as a calculated political gesture rather than a spontaneous gesture of affection. Increasing your public intimacy to the level where he feels uncomfortable will merely be counterproductive.
Cheers
Spread