spreadeagle
March 25th, 2005, 06:16 PM
Hey buddy,
No, you’re not crazy. And I think your options are a little more flexible than the choice Max suggests.
In anticipating that all our needs will be met by one other person or within our immediate family unit, we predetermine for ourselves a life of restricted possibilities. This expectation assumes that all the factors in our life remain constant and that by sticking to the rules and coloring inside the lines we’ll find true happiness. This directly contradicts a fundamental truth: Life is a process of constant change. The conservative belief that happiness results from maintaining the status quo because ‘that’s the way it’s always been’ is misguided. Happiness is a byproduct of the varying levels of skill, courage and acceptance that we bring to bear as we negotiate the inevitable changes in our lives.
There are stages that form a familiar pattern in the evolving life histories of some men: same-sex interactions as a youth; becoming a father; becoming exclusively homosexual. It may be that there is a biological (or social) imperative for fatherhood that operates independently of sexual orientation. There's nothing inherently wrong or immoral or unnatural about homosexual impulses, it’s just that there’s a mismatch between these instincts and Society’s pressure to conform with its expectations. And one of Society’s major expectations is that we should live lives of drab, bland uniformity, consuming as much as possible and not rocking the boat. There’s no reason why you and your family can’t design and build your own boat.
It appears that openness and integrity have been a commendable feature of your family life. If you’ve been honest with your wife about your sexuality, and if she was aware of your gayness before she agreed to marry, then she has no real grounds for reproaching you now. The time has come to reassess and perhaps restructure the form of your relationship so that it more accurately reflects its true nature. Fundamental to this discussion is the need to gain clarity on your sexual relationship together. Are you still lovers? Do you share a bed? Is she sexually fulfilled? You need to try and separate out other bonding aspects of the relationship from the sexual aspect: mutual financial support, sharing of domestic chores, your daughter, relationships with extended family, shared family pastimes and holidays and so on. Hopefully you’ll see that there’s very much more to family life than a sexual link that is unfulfilling for one, and possibly both, of you. All of these positive facets can be sustained within a relationship that may be no longer sexual.
You don’t say if you’ve had any gay encounters or relationships during the last 13 years and, if you have, whether your wife is aware of them. It’s very important that during the time these issues are under discussion that you refrain from any extra-marital sexual relationship. This is in order to keep discussion focused on the wider issues and avoid emotional sidetracking into accusations of adultery and inevitable threats of divorce; the goal should be obtaining the maximum happiness and self-fulfillment for all your family, a win-win-win situation.
If you’re still having sex with your wife then who is taking responsibility for birth control? It’s not unknown for a woman facing disruption to an established family grouping to become unexpectedly pregnant.
If you reach a working arrangement that allows you to retain all the positive aspects of family life while at the same time having mansex, an open marriage in fact, then your wife may well expect the same freedom to seek sexual fulfillment outside the marriage. What impact might that have on you?
I think that if you can remain friends with your wife and reassure her of your continuing affection and support then the prospects are good. Homophobia is likely to be the main enemy.
Keep in touch, mate
Spread
No, you’re not crazy. And I think your options are a little more flexible than the choice Max suggests.
In anticipating that all our needs will be met by one other person or within our immediate family unit, we predetermine for ourselves a life of restricted possibilities. This expectation assumes that all the factors in our life remain constant and that by sticking to the rules and coloring inside the lines we’ll find true happiness. This directly contradicts a fundamental truth: Life is a process of constant change. The conservative belief that happiness results from maintaining the status quo because ‘that’s the way it’s always been’ is misguided. Happiness is a byproduct of the varying levels of skill, courage and acceptance that we bring to bear as we negotiate the inevitable changes in our lives.
There are stages that form a familiar pattern in the evolving life histories of some men: same-sex interactions as a youth; becoming a father; becoming exclusively homosexual. It may be that there is a biological (or social) imperative for fatherhood that operates independently of sexual orientation. There's nothing inherently wrong or immoral or unnatural about homosexual impulses, it’s just that there’s a mismatch between these instincts and Society’s pressure to conform with its expectations. And one of Society’s major expectations is that we should live lives of drab, bland uniformity, consuming as much as possible and not rocking the boat. There’s no reason why you and your family can’t design and build your own boat.
It appears that openness and integrity have been a commendable feature of your family life. If you’ve been honest with your wife about your sexuality, and if she was aware of your gayness before she agreed to marry, then she has no real grounds for reproaching you now. The time has come to reassess and perhaps restructure the form of your relationship so that it more accurately reflects its true nature. Fundamental to this discussion is the need to gain clarity on your sexual relationship together. Are you still lovers? Do you share a bed? Is she sexually fulfilled? You need to try and separate out other bonding aspects of the relationship from the sexual aspect: mutual financial support, sharing of domestic chores, your daughter, relationships with extended family, shared family pastimes and holidays and so on. Hopefully you’ll see that there’s very much more to family life than a sexual link that is unfulfilling for one, and possibly both, of you. All of these positive facets can be sustained within a relationship that may be no longer sexual.
You don’t say if you’ve had any gay encounters or relationships during the last 13 years and, if you have, whether your wife is aware of them. It’s very important that during the time these issues are under discussion that you refrain from any extra-marital sexual relationship. This is in order to keep discussion focused on the wider issues and avoid emotional sidetracking into accusations of adultery and inevitable threats of divorce; the goal should be obtaining the maximum happiness and self-fulfillment for all your family, a win-win-win situation.
If you’re still having sex with your wife then who is taking responsibility for birth control? It’s not unknown for a woman facing disruption to an established family grouping to become unexpectedly pregnant.
If you reach a working arrangement that allows you to retain all the positive aspects of family life while at the same time having mansex, an open marriage in fact, then your wife may well expect the same freedom to seek sexual fulfillment outside the marriage. What impact might that have on you?
I think that if you can remain friends with your wife and reassure her of your continuing affection and support then the prospects are good. Homophobia is likely to be the main enemy.
Keep in touch, mate
Spread