digging my married friend

[Unregistered]

Here's my question:
i've never had a gay encounter and consider myself straight.

except, i lust after my best friend, who is married. we hang out a lot and work together.

i've confessed to him i'm confused, but not this.

do i tell him?
is there a chance he'll want to try it?
or more likely, ruin our friendship?

[spreadeagle]

Hi,

This interests me very much. The ‘mancrush’ is flavor of the month right now. Since you identify as straight and haven’t mentioned being attracted sexually to men other then your best friend there’s no real reason to think you might be gay.

More than you might expect, our sexual identifications are a matter of social indoctrination and evolve without a second thought. The labels we invent: gay, straight, bi, transsexual etc., allow us to conveniently pigeonhole people we encounter and to adjust our expectations accordingly. But labels are incapable of conveying information about the special circumstances of any unique individual within a subset.

While the issue here for you is one of expanding the depth and intimacy of your relationship with your friend, the primary issue for him must be that of adultery. A sexual relationship with anyone else, regardless of gender, might jeopardize his relationship with his wife. So even if he reciprocates your feelings he’d need to think very carefully before acting on them; there’s considerably more at stake for him.

That’s not to say that people don’t put themselves through elaborate mental contortions to justify suspect behavior: It’s not adultery if it’s not a woman; I was drunk and it just happened; I didn’t cum so it doesn’t count, and so on. There’s always a chance that he might want to try it, so don’t let your lustful wishful thinking blind you to the non-verbal signals he might already be sending. Try observing him a little more objectively . How physical are you with each other? How do you greet and part from each other? Is it macho back-slapping or more prolonged hugs? Does he put his hand on your knee or thigh? Have you been locker-room naked together and where were his eyes? It’s important that you try and gauge his level of interest as clearly as possible before you say anything because once the words are out you can never retract them.

The horrible thing about choices and decisions is that so often they preclude different choices further down the track. Even if he has gay inklings, his marriage may be one such choice. Commitment to a marriage means reconfirming those choices on a daily basis. And it can mean denying ‘basic instincts’ in order to honor the joint life he's building with his wife. Commitment to a friendship can mean the same thing. Since you work and hang out with your buddy you probably spend about as much time in his company as his wife does – that can’t be all bad.

Don’t let your fantasy over-romanticize what sex with him might be like. Straight guys find same-sex kissing scary; if they’re inexperienced the sex can be clumsy and raw; or they get over-excited and shoot in the first five minutes. And there can be nerves, guilt, regrets and recriminations to deal with.

However, I know of two married family men who go away together fishing or hiking every month or so. They’ve been lovers for twenty years. If people are prepared to stretch the boundaries then marriage and other social structures can accommodate a huge variety of human behavior. I’ve twice been in the situation of being attracted to a straight friend and revealing my feelings. The first time didn’t really effect the fun of our friendship until some years later when I engineered a situation where we had to share a bed. Even though nothing sexual happened that restless night the relationship dwindled rapidly thereafter. On the second occasion it made no appreciable difference to my friend, he took it in his stride, but since then we’ve been able to hug or swap massages without the embarrassment of an annoying dripping stiffy pronging up. (Mine)

If you decide that you want to cut to the chase with your buddy then take him to see ‘Brokeback Mountain’ and go for a quiet drink afterwards – that ought to break the ice.

I hope this works out for the best man, and keep us informed.
XXX
Spread

[Unregistered]

You didn't mention whether you know his wife. if so, then you may (or should) feel guilty if you somehow 'turn' him to your side. even if he has some interest, as a friend maybe you shouldn't tempt him. don't fantaasize about him leaving her for you, that'll never happen.

also, i want to get others ideas on this: if you tell your best friend you like him sexually, isn't this hurtful to him? its the same as hetero friends when the woman discovers the man likes her. "why are you really friends with me?" becomes a fair question. friendship is often stronger and lasts longer than sexual relationships because that one element doesn't exist.

finally, if you do go down this path, and i don't think you should, maybe you can suggest a mutual masturbation situation where there's no touching. plenty of heteros have done that. is that cheating?

[(from Brazil)]

It is a common situation for gay or bi men. And one of the most important things you have to learn to deal with from early on: to understand that other straight man think or feel differently.

I think the best approach the cautious one. Analyze how he feels about homoeroticism. Observe how he reacts to any such stimulus (magazine pictures, ads, references to out of the closet artists) and feel how open and comfortable he feels about the subject.

It would be clumsy to approach him without that. And you would risk loosing a much cherished friendship..