spreadeagle
October 22nd, 2004, 12:24 PM
The short answer is ‘yes’. But let’s look more closely at some of the factors influencing the likelihood of lasting friendships arising from chat encounters.
A high proportion of those who use gay chat sites are men who have difficulty relating with other men in everyday life. This is usually because they are isolated in some way. Maybe through physical, mental or emotional disability or because they are married, bisexual or underage. Quite often they live in isolated rural communities, or in countries or cultures where homosexuality is forbidden.
When guys meet on chat and want to get closer, they start to investigate other ways of maintaining and deepening their intimacy. This might involve exchange of emails; conversation on MSN, Yahoo or AOL where images can be exchanged or webcam used; telephone or text conversations; or face-to-face meetings. This progression demonstrates the limitations of chat alone as a means of supporting developing friendships.
When we meet someone face-to-face we’re immediately aware of a flood of sensory information about them. We hear their voice, see their face, touch their hand, breathe their odour. These perceptions trigger subliminal associations and memories that help to form that all-important first impression. Usually we can tell pretty quickly if we’re going to like someone. And after a few minutes conversation we know about their educational level, their sense of humour, whether we have interests in common, and so on.
In chat the sensual information is absent. All we really know about the other guy is the level of his language and typing skills, and the ‘facts’ he chooses to reveal about himself. We make judgements based on how literate or articulate he is, and how wittily, or sincerely or passionately or rudely he expresses himself in writing. If English isn’t his first language we can easily form an incorrect impression.
Despite, or perhaps because of, the lack of verifiable information, feelings can be engaged very quickly and levels of intensity can be deep. There’s a good deal of projection going on here. The strength of your expectation, or your level of hope or neediness, is a factor in persuading you that someone who’s quite neutral is actually the ideal friend you’re looking for. This self-delusion may be encouraged by the other guy (people have ulterior motives) and can be so intense that enlightenment , when it comes, is painful.
The isolation forced on many gaymen who live in communities where expression of their sexuality would result in discrimination and victimisation, or on bisexual or married men in unfulfilling relationships, is a motive for many to seek friendship online. While discussion and sharing with other gaymen can help reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness, it is unrealistic to assume that it can remove them altogether. Many men would prefer not to jeopardise the familiar security of their closet in order to actually taste the forbidden fruit. This means that there is always a pool of men on-line who are not genuinely prepared or available to engage in relationship. Should they wish to move the cyber relationship onto a more intimate level then the issues of homophobia, the closet and existing relationships are waiting there to be addressed before the freedom and fantasy experimented with in cyber sex can become a reality.
This raises the question: why seek friends on-line when there are real people nearby with whom you can make friends? A friend is someone you do things with – the possibility of doing things with another person in chat is strictly limited. You can discuss things you’ve done individually in the past but not actually share activities in the present. Though jacking may happen simultaneously it's not truly shared since you can’t feel his dick in your hand.
Friendships flourish readily where there’s a shared interest. This encourages the friends to speak with enthusiasm and to feel that what they have to say is valued and understood. When we lose our self-absorption and focus on our friend we are seen to our best advantage; our animation makes us more interesting to the other person. We’re building shared history and the time together feels enriching. On gay chat the main shared interest is in same-gender sex. Is this necessarily a sound-basis for an enduring friendship? When all the sensory stimulus that would usually turn us onto another guy is absent, we have to ask ourselves what it is that's really making us so hard and horny. Sure, it’s hot talking dirty to another dude, stroking together real-time, maybe watching him work it for you on cam or hearing him phone-moan, but when it cums down to it, you’re both long-distance wankers. The loneliness when he clicks off and you’re still alone in your room and nothing has changed can make you wish you’d never logged on.
Spreadeagle
A high proportion of those who use gay chat sites are men who have difficulty relating with other men in everyday life. This is usually because they are isolated in some way. Maybe through physical, mental or emotional disability or because they are married, bisexual or underage. Quite often they live in isolated rural communities, or in countries or cultures where homosexuality is forbidden.
When guys meet on chat and want to get closer, they start to investigate other ways of maintaining and deepening their intimacy. This might involve exchange of emails; conversation on MSN, Yahoo or AOL where images can be exchanged or webcam used; telephone or text conversations; or face-to-face meetings. This progression demonstrates the limitations of chat alone as a means of supporting developing friendships.
When we meet someone face-to-face we’re immediately aware of a flood of sensory information about them. We hear their voice, see their face, touch their hand, breathe their odour. These perceptions trigger subliminal associations and memories that help to form that all-important first impression. Usually we can tell pretty quickly if we’re going to like someone. And after a few minutes conversation we know about their educational level, their sense of humour, whether we have interests in common, and so on.
In chat the sensual information is absent. All we really know about the other guy is the level of his language and typing skills, and the ‘facts’ he chooses to reveal about himself. We make judgements based on how literate or articulate he is, and how wittily, or sincerely or passionately or rudely he expresses himself in writing. If English isn’t his first language we can easily form an incorrect impression.
Despite, or perhaps because of, the lack of verifiable information, feelings can be engaged very quickly and levels of intensity can be deep. There’s a good deal of projection going on here. The strength of your expectation, or your level of hope or neediness, is a factor in persuading you that someone who’s quite neutral is actually the ideal friend you’re looking for. This self-delusion may be encouraged by the other guy (people have ulterior motives) and can be so intense that enlightenment , when it comes, is painful.
The isolation forced on many gaymen who live in communities where expression of their sexuality would result in discrimination and victimisation, or on bisexual or married men in unfulfilling relationships, is a motive for many to seek friendship online. While discussion and sharing with other gaymen can help reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness, it is unrealistic to assume that it can remove them altogether. Many men would prefer not to jeopardise the familiar security of their closet in order to actually taste the forbidden fruit. This means that there is always a pool of men on-line who are not genuinely prepared or available to engage in relationship. Should they wish to move the cyber relationship onto a more intimate level then the issues of homophobia, the closet and existing relationships are waiting there to be addressed before the freedom and fantasy experimented with in cyber sex can become a reality.
This raises the question: why seek friends on-line when there are real people nearby with whom you can make friends? A friend is someone you do things with – the possibility of doing things with another person in chat is strictly limited. You can discuss things you’ve done individually in the past but not actually share activities in the present. Though jacking may happen simultaneously it's not truly shared since you can’t feel his dick in your hand.
Friendships flourish readily where there’s a shared interest. This encourages the friends to speak with enthusiasm and to feel that what they have to say is valued and understood. When we lose our self-absorption and focus on our friend we are seen to our best advantage; our animation makes us more interesting to the other person. We’re building shared history and the time together feels enriching. On gay chat the main shared interest is in same-gender sex. Is this necessarily a sound-basis for an enduring friendship? When all the sensory stimulus that would usually turn us onto another guy is absent, we have to ask ourselves what it is that's really making us so hard and horny. Sure, it’s hot talking dirty to another dude, stroking together real-time, maybe watching him work it for you on cam or hearing him phone-moan, but when it cums down to it, you’re both long-distance wankers. The loneliness when he clicks off and you’re still alone in your room and nothing has changed can make you wish you’d never logged on.
Spreadeagle