Reasons why a guy might not be able to come?

[Unregistered]

Spread (et al), first...let me say what a blessing to find this site, and that I truly hope you don't mind me asking a few questions (since I'm a woman...and don't really fit the profile here). However, it seems that if I need answers about guys, this is about the best place on the planet. I promise I won't hog things.

Should my lover and I continue our affair (see anal mishap post), I would like a little advice about an issue he has. Four times now (including the anal mishap, which I pretty much understand) he has not been able to come. Is this normal? What are the potential reasons for this? He's 45, and has had a vasectomy, but I don't know if that has anything to do with it. He's married (as am I), so I realize it could just be a 45 year old trying to keep two women satisfied (his wife so she doesn't get suspicous and me, and I'm assuming that's it, but I really don't know for sure - I'm well aware that if he can lie to her he can lie to me, too). One place I found on the net said it is an indication that he isn't physically attracted to me (not helpful!) and I think bogus, since erections are no issue at all (and last FOREVER). Could he be taking viagra? Would this be a side effect?

He seems to generally be ok when he's lying down...as all 4 times he's had a problem he's been standing (we me either on the tailgate of his truck or standing beside it). Also, two of the times he saw my husband before hand (it's complicated, and stupid, I'm aware to have an affair with someone in your community...but at this point, it is what it is), so that could be creating pychological issues.

Any suggestions on what I can do to help (should I get the chance)? I know pressuring is not good, and he says its no big deal, that sex alone (and getting me off) is what really feels good for him. Is he full of it? Isn't the big O the most important part for a guy?

[spreadeagle]

Me again,

(Sorry, I should have read this before responding to your other post)

Stress would seem a likely cause - though whether because of the clandestine nature of the relationship with the corresponding guilt and risk of discovery, or because of the increased sexual demands he's making on his body, it's difficult to say. It's possible that his affair with you is an attempt to address his own concerns about his flagging potency. You imply that some of the time you are together he ejaculates with no problem. A sensible approach, then, would be to try to orchestrate your encounters so that they occur where you can be lying down for as long as possible with the least risk of discovery. Aim to create an atmosphere of relaxing regularity and you'll optimise the chances of success.
About the vasectomy: just be aware that though he can still ejaculate his jizz will just be clear runny seminal fluid. Don't expect to see big spurts of creamy cum. Different sexual positions allow for differing amounts of friction and lubricious sensation. The standing position could just be unfamiliar for him and may not provide maximum stimulation.

Hope that helps
Spread
P.S. I have no problem with you posting here. It's always interesting to get different perspectives on things.

[Unregistered]

Spread,

Again thanks for your words of advice. Sorry, I didn't give the full picture on our history here. Yes, he has been fine the majority of the time (and we've gone beyond my ability to recount them in terms of the number of encounters we've had. It's over 20 (since late June)..~2 x a week for 10+ weeks. So 4/20 isn't too bad a ratio I guess. It's just that its been 3 out of the last 4 times, so we're not doing too well in the recent past. He had a big blow up with his wife a few weeks ago, so who knows, maybe he's increased his activity with her to keep her off suspicion. We don't talk about our sex lives with our spouses, so I don't know.

Our Monday nights tend to be quickies, and per your advice about creating a relaxed routine, I was thinking of making them "foreplay" for Wednesday (when we have 1 hr together), rather than an event in themselves (which creates lots of pressure for both of us since we don't have time or optimal location). That might help him relax a bit, and create a bit of extra sexual tension.

I've been doing a good deal of reading about sex lately, and I think he may also be a "vigorous" masterbater as he certainly is vigorous about sex. The energizer bunny comes to mind. I tell him he's my "supernova" per the Liz Phair song, if you know it. This is great for me, as that's how I generally like it, and my husband can only manage that speed, depth, and overall vigor for about 2 seconds. But you can see why I'm a little perplexed as I'm encountering the polar opposite problem that I'm used to! (Is it possible that this approach also exacerbated the anal mishap situation? He went deeper, harder and faster that I've ever experienced before.)

The vasectomy thing is interesting as well, and yes, I did notice a difference right away in texture and color. I've never been a huge fan of blow jobs (thanks to my first experience of it from high school), but I've been actually eager to try it with my lover as I think I could swallow with less issues. Ironically, he prefers to come inside my vagina, so I don't know if I'll ever actually be able to test this out. Plus I don't know if my mouth can create the same sensations that he seems to need to come (the rapid, rough movement).

As for flagging potency, I've thought that also. I know he likes it that I'm a good deal younger than he is (8+ yrs), and he certainly likes all the ego-boosting I do before during and after sex about how awesome he is (which is true). I've decided that the impetous to have an affair must be one of the most complex tangle of emotions and motivations that humans being are capable of. The only part I'm sure of is that there are bigger reasons here (for each of us) than attraction to each other.

What's your story, Spread? If you care to share. I noticed on your profile you have two kids. Mine are 8, 4, and 17 months...(a boy and 2 girls). Curious about the path you walked to end up replying to posts on this site.

Cheers,

Lizzie (in the Windy City)

[spreadeagle]

Hi Lizzie,

After 10 weeks maybe it's time to extend the variety of your love-making a little; the Monday night foreplay sounds like a good idea. Removing the pressure or the expectation that he should cum can paradoxically ease the way for it to happen spontaneously. If you both agree that he should NOT cum then you might find that he shoots quite nicely. Men are so contrary!

A lot of guys mistakenly assume that ejaculation and orgasm are one and the same. Has your reading taken you into the realm of tantric sex? Some cultures advocate the retention of semen: you still fuck but you don't cum. The idea is that it increases male vigour and that by drawing the sexual energy back into the body and up the spine you can facilitate spiritual enlightenment. But maybe it's just a good bonk he's after rather than a transcendental experience.

Your pen-portrait of your lover suggests to me a guy who might benefit from breathing during sex, from taking it easy and not feeling that he has to be in the driver's seat all the time. He doesn't have to prove himself to you; possibly he's proving something to himself.

I'm glad you like a good bang, Lizzie, but there can be more to it than 'rapid and rough'. And my view is that anal definitely requires a different technique: slower, more sensuous and responsive.

Cheers
Spread
P.S. Thanks for the interest in 'my story'. Your curiosity can be satisfied if you leave a Private Message for me on this site.
xxx

[Unregistered]

This message may be way late, but I thought it was worth a mention. If your lover is taking certain anti-depressants or other medication it can be very difficult to ejaculate while taking these, some men don't just take meds for depression, I've heard they can be prescribed for men who have trouble with premature ejaculation.
I've been on anti-depressents that did this to me (both a blessing and a curse all in one). Its just impossible sometimes and it can be frustrating and embarrasing. You constantly worry that you won't orgasm and that your partner will wonder why ( and worrying makes it even less likely to happen), or maybe assume that the attraction isn't there.
Its also not the kind of thing you really like to tell people, many people don't understand what depression is like and they quickly draw many incorrect conclusions so its not the kind of thing you like to go telling everyone if you are taking medication.
I always assumed that the (sexual side effects) these medications referred to would cause an inability to get or maintain an erection, and maybe some of them do, but usually they just make it difficult to ejaculate. However on the plus side...... they can lengthen your sexual sessions greatly.
One last thing. It was almost always easier for me to ejaculate when laying down, especially when my girlfriend was on top. It was just easier to relax myself that way.
Well, hope this can help you.