spreadeagle
August 19th, 2004, 06:01 AM
G'day mate
Sorry to hear about this. After a betrayal of this nature it's ok to feel bitter and angry. But if you hold onto those feelings you’ll only be harming yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to trust him again but it’s important that you begin to move towards forgiveness. To forgive him you need to understand what motivated him; to do that you’ll need to talk with him, and understandably that feels painful right now.
The fact is though, that all the evidence of this marriage comes from a third party. You need to confront him with what you’ve heard and give him the opportunity to respond. There could be many reasons for the marriage: family pressure, immigration, to prove he’s not gay, pregnancy etc. but these are only speculation until you speak to him in person. Whatever you do, don’t try and make contact with his wife. Don’t threaten or seek revenge. If you strive to exit from this dilemma with dignity, fortitude and good manners then you might find that you can salvage something from the wreckage.
At some stage every gayman has to consider his attitude towards bisexual men, straight men and married men as sexual partners. Many gaymen seek a committed one-to-one relationship with their partner. Long-term relationships can provide an intimacy, mutual support and sense of security that are very attractive, especially in the era of AIDS. These benefits are unlikely to be found in a relationship with a man who has already formed or may potentially form a relationship with a woman.
Many gaymen are attracted to straight or ‘straight-acting’ men. It is useful to consider what this says about the gayman’s attitude towards his own sexuality and about his internalised homophobia. The same applies to married men who seek adulterous gay relationships, or indeed to any man who seeks a gay interaction but who hasn’t the balls to identify as gay. I suspect that once you’ve spoken with him you’ll find that homophobia is at the root of his apparent dishonesty.
It’s important that you have emotional support. If you have sympathetic friends who understand the situation, then lean on them. Situations like this always seem more intense if you have to endure them in solitude. Pamper yourself, do things you enjoy, keep busy and don’t form any other emotional or sexual attachments for the next three months.
Cheers
Spread
Sorry to hear about this. After a betrayal of this nature it's ok to feel bitter and angry. But if you hold onto those feelings you’ll only be harming yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to trust him again but it’s important that you begin to move towards forgiveness. To forgive him you need to understand what motivated him; to do that you’ll need to talk with him, and understandably that feels painful right now.
The fact is though, that all the evidence of this marriage comes from a third party. You need to confront him with what you’ve heard and give him the opportunity to respond. There could be many reasons for the marriage: family pressure, immigration, to prove he’s not gay, pregnancy etc. but these are only speculation until you speak to him in person. Whatever you do, don’t try and make contact with his wife. Don’t threaten or seek revenge. If you strive to exit from this dilemma with dignity, fortitude and good manners then you might find that you can salvage something from the wreckage.
At some stage every gayman has to consider his attitude towards bisexual men, straight men and married men as sexual partners. Many gaymen seek a committed one-to-one relationship with their partner. Long-term relationships can provide an intimacy, mutual support and sense of security that are very attractive, especially in the era of AIDS. These benefits are unlikely to be found in a relationship with a man who has already formed or may potentially form a relationship with a woman.
Many gaymen are attracted to straight or ‘straight-acting’ men. It is useful to consider what this says about the gayman’s attitude towards his own sexuality and about his internalised homophobia. The same applies to married men who seek adulterous gay relationships, or indeed to any man who seeks a gay interaction but who hasn’t the balls to identify as gay. I suspect that once you’ve spoken with him you’ll find that homophobia is at the root of his apparent dishonesty.
It’s important that you have emotional support. If you have sympathetic friends who understand the situation, then lean on them. Situations like this always seem more intense if you have to endure them in solitude. Pamper yourself, do things you enjoy, keep busy and don’t form any other emotional or sexual attachments for the next three months.
Cheers
Spread