The Butch/Femme Dynamic
By Peggy Papez

Ok. You’re a lesbian. Welcome to the club. Now for the next step in the drama of coming out. What kind of lesbian are you? More importantly what kind of lesbian do you want to eventually partner with? 

You’re interested in a butch/femme relationship?? You don’t say??? Really???? Well dear, sit back and enjoy the ride … it’s a bumpy one. 

What does it mean to be butch or femme?
The unacknowledged but quietly worshipped, invisible scale of butch to femme really depends more on how you view yourself than how others view you. But, everyone needs a label, or so the lesbian agenda tells me. 

Femmes range from being very feminine and ladylike to being more in the middle of the road in terms of appearance and behavior but still displaying marked feminine characteristics. 

Butches display more masculine characteristics. Attitudes range from a moderate approach in both manner and appearance (soft butch) to an outlook very much on par with male behavior. 

Most lesbians tend to fall somewhere in the middle and don’t particularly identify as either butch or femme. 

What is a butch/femme relationship?
Simply put, it’s a relationship where one partner is feminine in her actions and appearance and the other has a more masculine look and behavior. 

There really isn’t much more than that to define it. One will self-identify as Femme and the other Butch. Where they actually fall on the ‘scale’ is secondary. 

So what’s the big deal? 
The big deal tends to focus on those women visibly perched at the farther ends of the butch - femme spectrum. 

Femmes enjoy the dulcet screeches of, "If you want a woman who looks like a man, then why don’t you just go back to men?"

Butches hear the ever-present urgings of well-wishers to just, “Go have the surgery already.”

As a butch, the closer to the middle of that above mentioned and still invisible scale you fall, the less likely you are to have to deal with criticisms. It seems that being butch is reason enough to seek relationships with femmes and it’s pretty much ‘expected’ of us. Besides, we’re butch and everyone knows that puts us one step above a cave dwelling troglodyte and no one wants to piss off the cave dweller. 

Femmes however seem to get a double dose because there is always someone around who is willing to spend hours in splendid oratory explaining to the newest ‘sister’ how butches are cave dwelling troglodytes and are best avoided for fear of tarnishing the image of status quo lesbians everywhere. If they should then go against the lesbian agenda and actually date a butch, she has backslid and is only dating the butch because she secretly wants a man. 

Is the Butch/Femme dynamic normal? 
Yes! In the exact same way that homosexuality is normal but not common, so is a butch/femme attraction. Just as you chose to accept yourself as a lesbian, you need to accept your interest in a butch/femme relationship. Rather than feeling bad after a 'friends' criticism, you need to explain to that friend the standards of individuality and tolerance

Gay or straight, we all have a “type” that interests and attracts us more than others. We may base this on arbitrary things like a preference for blonds or better yet, breasts. We may base it on a specific agenda ranging anywhere from similar interests to prejudicial issues. 

Either way, we all have something we look for in a partner. Just because your preference is not acceptable to card carrying lesbians is no reason to keep yourself from the chance of a fulfilling relationship. 

What’s it like?
It’s like any other relationship. There are no rules and no set expectations. 

Some couples live a very (stereo) typical butch/femme lifestyle where the butch is the breadwinner and the femme is the homemaker. Others share a lifestyle that is exactly the same as any other politically correct lesbian couple, with the workload being shared equally across the board. 

Outwardly, you are a couple in which one partner is butch and the other femme. Beyond that, it is no ones business but your own. It is as individual as any other relationship and how you and your partner interact is just as private, valid and deserving of respect. 


© Peggy Papez, All Rights Reserved. Article provided by GayLinkContent.com.