Okay, I'm positively terrified as I type up this question, because it's admitting something that I've never, ever spoken aloud, or even admitted to thinking seriously myself beyond curiosity. I am 17 years old, and a lesbian. I have a girlfriend that I am in love with, that I can see myself spending my life with. But I think I might be gay. Not lesbian. Gay. I've always had a sort of fascination with penises. When I was younger, I was a huge tomboy, and when looking back through projects I did in school, I found a book on the alphabet that had a crude crayon drawing of me on the front cover, a speech bubble coming from the head and, sprawled in black crayon, "I'm a boy!" I made friends with all the boys, dressed like a boy, acted like a boy. Looking back, I remember wishing that I were a boy on very many occasions. In most ways, I am very comfortable with being a woman. I have a woman's sensitivity, intuition, the works, but sometimes, I just feel so uncomfortable in my body. I've watched videos of gay men making love, and I find that I get much more aroused by that than videos of lesbians making love. I've been thinking like this more and more lately. I love women, I've fallen in love with 2 different women, and have yet to fall in love with a man. Though I do have a very, very large crush on a male friend of mine who happens to be bisexual. I have found myself fantasizing about making love to him, but not as a woman. What does any of this mean? I'm terrified of all of this, thinking that it might be curiosity or attraction to the unknown. I've always been a very curious person, wanting to experience anything and everything that I can. Are these thoughts merely a manifestation of that curiosity, the strength being due to the fact that it is something I will never be able to experience? I have nothing against transgender folk, I wholly support them and believe in their need to become the gender that they were meant to be. I just don't know where I stand. I'm so utterly afraid of this all, of what it could all mean. What confuses me the most is that I am an obvious lesbian.  I do not enjoy making love to men nearly as much as women, and yet, I know that if I were a man, I would be a homosexual still. It's like how straight people have trouble understanding the way that somebody can fall in love with somebody else of the same sex. It's like a complex math equation; they may accept it to be true, real, and be perfectly fine with it, but that doesn't mean that it makes sense to them. It's like that with me: I fully accept heterosexual relationships, but they just don't compute for me. Homosexual relationship, lesbian or gay, compute. That's another thing that scares me: it would make sense to think that the idea of not quite understanding comes from the fact that it is unknown and inexperienced and yet, relationships between a man and another man just feel -right- to me. I'm so scared of what this all could mean. I don't want to lose my girlfriend; she's been there for me through so much. My family handled me being a lesbian with ease, but I'm not sure how this would come across. And this is a huge, life-changing decision; how do I know that it's not innocent curiosity, and end up doing something that I can never, ever take back?

 

Remember, you are only 17 years old. You have a whole life to live before you can know (or at least think you know) everything.  Do not try to figure yourself out in a day what takes most people a life time.  Be patient and be true to your feelings. Do not try to put labels on your actions. Sex is just a small part of our lives. Focus your energy in going to school and becoming someone who you are going to be proud of.  During that process, you will experience a lot and some day you will know exactly who you are and who you want to be with. But it will take time and a lot of patience.   Sex is very complex and there are no rules.  As long as nobody gets hurt, everything is possible. There are no guarantees in life. You will hurt people and people will hurt you.  That's how life is.  We all have to  do what is best for us and by doing that, we may hurt some people, but on the long run, they will thank us later for being honest with them.  So relax and enjoy the ride!  Life is beautiful and what makes it beautiful is living it and enjoying it one day at a time.  Good luck!