Ted Haggard Now "Completely Heterosexual"

Amazingly, after a short stint with psychological counseling, disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard has surprised his peers with now being completely heterosexual, proving wrong those that thought it could take a whole "4 or 5 years" to turn the former minister straight.

Haggard told a board of overseers that after only three weeks of counseling he is now "completely heterosexual" and that "his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser."

According to one of the pastors overseeing Haggard's progress: "He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong (about Haggard only having contact with Mike Jones), somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn't happened. Nobody is saying he can't go back into ministry. Somewhere down the road, that could very well happen, and that would be wonderful."